Let's Go To the Movies

I went to see 300 on Saturday. If you don’t have any of the normal expectations of a normal movie: plot, character development, meaningful dialogue, then you’ll be fine. It’s visually great, and going to see it with one of my friends reminded me of my favorite things people do in a movie theater that make other people hate them. Maybe this how to make people hate you in five easy steps ought to be a series. We’ll see.

Top 5 Ways to Make Other People in the Theater Hate You:

1. Come in late and spot your friends. Wave, inducing them to also wave and block the view of those behind them. If your friends are in the middle, make sure you choose to enter the aisle on the side that involves climbing over and inconveniencing the most people. Ask loudly for a summary of the last ten minutes you missed.

2. Grab the person next to you during high stress moments in horror movies. Bonus points for making them shriek. Double bonus points for grabbing someone you don’t know.

3. See the movie more than once, and talk about what’s coming up with a friend. If you can, convince her to see the movie twice, as well, and reveal major plot points. Editorial comments and tangents to what a whore that girl who spilt beer on your cellphone is. If people kick your chair or ask you to be quiet, quiet down for a few minutes, and then shriek about how your favorite part is coming up. Inform the audience of your excitement about scenes that are coming up. Narrate the movie: “He just decapitated the shit out of that guy!” Also, clap and whoop at particularly enjoyable moments.

4. Don’t turn off your cellphone before the movie. When it rings, answer it. Stay in your seat.

5. Be a group of thirteen-year-old girls. Giggle. Throw popcorn at each other. Giggle. Sit directly in front of me. Giggle. Squeal about how cute the lead is. Giggle.

And now for something completely different!