The Pigmobile
Yes, driving a Hummer does automatically make you a jerk. I defy you to give me a convincing reason why anyone needs a military vehicle that can scale vertical walls and gets 8 miles to the gallon, especially if you live in the city. Hummers are terrible vehicles not just for the devastation they wreak upon the air quality in the city, but for several other reasons:
1. On some roads, they don't fit in one lane, and are forced to take a lane and a half. Passing on a two lane road, therefore, is problematic.
2. They take up more than one parking space.
3. Most people who own Hummers don't feel the need to park properly, and take up three spaces.
4. Hummer drivers seem convinced that I will be impressed by the incredibly penisy way in which they drive, and will there be compelled to shift lanes so they can go around me.
5. Have you ever tried to drive with a Hummer in front of you?
6. They look RIDICULOUS. "I may be driving a hideous, steel box on wheels, but look, it comes in red! That almost makes it aesthetically pleasing!" Bitch, please.
I am usually not a violently inclined person, but Hummers stir up in me an incredible feeling of rage. On Saturday, I was driving on the freeway in my little Toyota, going about five miles above the speed limit. Then, much to my horror, a Hummer entered the freeway and came into my lane. He tried honking at me, and then, upon discovering that it was a futile effort, instead tailgated me for about a mile. We're not talking, don't slam on the brakes suddenly or you'll be crushed. We're talking, don't decrease your speed by even 1 mph, or you'll be crushed.
The Hummer eventually decided to pass me (on the right). I conjured up my best "you're a grade-A dickface" expression and turned to look at him. He had a similar idea, and stuck his tongue out at me as he passed. Unbidden, my right hand flew up, and I gave him the one-fingered salute. He sped up and I turned off, still shocked at my complete abandonment of the road etiquette my mother had pounded into my head. I had never flipped somebody off or made threatening gestures at anyone while driving, but the Hummer driver pushed me over the edge.
Maybe the ultimate exemplar of America is a McDonald's inside a Walmart, but the exemplar of what is wrong with America is the Hummer, which I have dubbed the pig-mobile. We feel the need to have more power than everyone else, and take excess to uncharted levels. So, if you have enough money for a vehicle as expensive as a Hummer, for the love of God, buy a sports car.
1. On some roads, they don't fit in one lane, and are forced to take a lane and a half. Passing on a two lane road, therefore, is problematic.
2. They take up more than one parking space.
3. Most people who own Hummers don't feel the need to park properly, and take up three spaces.
4. Hummer drivers seem convinced that I will be impressed by the incredibly penisy way in which they drive, and will there be compelled to shift lanes so they can go around me.
5. Have you ever tried to drive with a Hummer in front of you?
6. They look RIDICULOUS. "I may be driving a hideous, steel box on wheels, but look, it comes in red! That almost makes it aesthetically pleasing!" Bitch, please.
I am usually not a violently inclined person, but Hummers stir up in me an incredible feeling of rage. On Saturday, I was driving on the freeway in my little Toyota, going about five miles above the speed limit. Then, much to my horror, a Hummer entered the freeway and came into my lane. He tried honking at me, and then, upon discovering that it was a futile effort, instead tailgated me for about a mile. We're not talking, don't slam on the brakes suddenly or you'll be crushed. We're talking, don't decrease your speed by even 1 mph, or you'll be crushed.
The Hummer eventually decided to pass me (on the right). I conjured up my best "you're a grade-A dickface" expression and turned to look at him. He had a similar idea, and stuck his tongue out at me as he passed. Unbidden, my right hand flew up, and I gave him the one-fingered salute. He sped up and I turned off, still shocked at my complete abandonment of the road etiquette my mother had pounded into my head. I had never flipped somebody off or made threatening gestures at anyone while driving, but the Hummer driver pushed me over the edge.
Maybe the ultimate exemplar of America is a McDonald's inside a Walmart, but the exemplar of what is wrong with America is the Hummer, which I have dubbed the pig-mobile. We feel the need to have more power than everyone else, and take excess to uncharted levels. So, if you have enough money for a vehicle as expensive as a Hummer, for the love of God, buy a sports car.
posted by Meredith at 7:08 AM
2 Comments:
How retro!
okay... "penisy" is so not a word.
<3
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