Literary F My Life

I was introduced to the site fmylife.com, and I've begun obsessively checking it the way I did when I first found Overheard in New York in high school. A lot of the life failures are very similar: my boyfriend inadvertently admitted to having an affair by sending an insultingly-worded text message meant for his secret lover to me, my parents went on an exotic vacation with my brother and not me, my good deed indeed went punished. There is something compelling about being able to sum up the (perhaps newfound) sorry state of one's life with one particularly telling short anecdote. For instance:

"Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML"

This got me set on a mental game in which I tried to think up how different characters from books would sum up their lives on the site. I now present the results.

"Today, I found out that my mysterious benefactor is a convict, not the aunt of the woman I love. I thought I was being groomed for marriage. FML"
-Pip, Great Expectations

"Today, my best friend spurned the goddess of love, Ishtar. Now one of us has to die. Guess who got picked. FML"
-Enkidu, The Epic of Gilgamesh

"Today, my uncle married my mother. FML"
-Hamlet, Hamlet

"Today, my crush, Ashley, told me that loves me, but that he still plans to marry his fugly cousin. FML"
-Scarlett, Gone with the Wind

"Today, I found out that my fiancé already has a wife. She lives in the attic. He told me it was no big deal, we could just move to France. FML"
-Jane, Jane Eyre

"Today, my mad wife set the house and fire and then jumped off of it. I lost a hand and my eyesight trying to save her. FML"
-Rochester, Jane Eyre

"Today, my wife is going to sleep with another man. What is that man across the street, across cross that hangs in the cathedral. FML"
-Bloom, Ulysses

"Today, I woke up naked. And made out of the parts of several dead men. FML"
-the Creature, Frankenstein