"Lemon Juice"

This story has been floating around in my head for a couple years now because it's truly brilliant. It is much like this joke that my friend Jess told me about a French fighter pilot. She said it wouldn't be all that funny at first, but after a while it would be the funniest thing in the world and I would have the compulsive need to tell it to anyone who would listen for years to come. Except that this story is funny to begin with.

As my friend Emma tells it, she was on a bus with a group of people over the summer, and one boy told a story that went something like this...

"So, I was with my first girlfriend and I really liked her. Our relationship was getting more serious, and I decided that I wanted to go down on her. So I was kind of nervous, never having done it before. So I do it and then she comes, and I don't close my eyes and it squirts in my eye. So I run to the bathroom screaming because holy shit it hurts and I stick my eye under the faucet. So of course things are really awkward, and we broke up like a week later. But the worst part was I was blind in one eye for like two days. When I came home and my dad asked me what was wrong with my eye, I had to say that I'd squirted lemon juice in it by accident."

One of my other favorite anecdotes is about how a girl was having sex with her boyfriend and suddenly her voiced dropped, letting out a loud, "OH YEAAAH." Her boyfriend leaped away and stood on the other side of the room, eyeing her in suspicion and horror.

I think what I enjoy most about stories involving sex gone awry is that sex is inherently funny. It validates what I have always believed, and it is awkward and puts you in ridiculous situations. We also have some pretty damn funny words for sex organs. Well, actually this is one point of contention I have, that all the words for vagina are terrible sounding and unfriendly, while all the penis ones are mildly amusing.
Basically...

Vagina - pussy, cunt, cooter, snatch
Okay, if you didn't know what these things were, would you let them anywhere near you? I think not.
Penis - woody, boner, one-eyed snake, package
Much funnier words, especially woody.

In short, you're not cool because you're eighteen and having sex. This is simply because sex isn't cool, it's funny. This is perhaps a terrible blow to the ego of the boys who strut around campus telling wild stories about sexual prowess. I don't think you're better for it, I think you're a tool for not realizing how ridiculous you are.