Gym Lady
Dear Cranky Gym Lady:
I know that you were unhappy to see me this afternoon when I came into the workout room. I assure that although I had no such feelings about you initially, when you left, I reciprocated your emotions. I'm sorry to have polluted your precious air. And you must understand that when I say this, I really mean that if one can breathe out of belligerence, I was doing it.
I have some practical advice that I've gleaned, but seems to have escaped you, despite being twice my age. If someone says hello to you, she's not as willing to pretend you don't exist as you are willing to do for her. Not responding when the greeting is clearly addressed to you does not imply your superiority, it makes you kind of a toolbag. Perhaps you would be less cranky if you had more than 4% body fat. Statistics show that girls with body fat are happier than those without.
There was something amusing about the fact that you used the treadmill for 45 minutes while staring at the sign that told you to get off after 30. That is, until I'd been on the stairmaster for exactly 30 minutes, cursing it, and wondering why you'd begun a swift jog rather than a warm-down. It's not a competition, but if it came to a duel, I could take you.
And if you pretend someone doesn't exist because you deem her to be, comparatively speaking, a killer whale, you don't earn appreciative looks as you bench press the weight of my Labrodor. Someone doesn't blip into existence purely for your ego, especially not after being forced to endure an hour's worth of "E! True Hollywood Story." That's an hour's worth of brain cells wasted, and I blame you entirely. I will not forget this slight.
Now, I understand that you think because you're a size 2, the world revolves around your needs. What you don't understand is that you don't have enough mass to create the pull needed for this to occur. You need to be at least a size 6 to do that. I will shoulder the burden of having the world revolve around me until you're ready to eat some Cheetos and bulk up a bit.
Eat, drink and be merry!
Sincerely,
Girl-Who-Is-Not-a-Size-Two-and-Still-Finds-the-Strength-To-Live
I know that you were unhappy to see me this afternoon when I came into the workout room. I assure that although I had no such feelings about you initially, when you left, I reciprocated your emotions. I'm sorry to have polluted your precious air. And you must understand that when I say this, I really mean that if one can breathe out of belligerence, I was doing it.
I have some practical advice that I've gleaned, but seems to have escaped you, despite being twice my age. If someone says hello to you, she's not as willing to pretend you don't exist as you are willing to do for her. Not responding when the greeting is clearly addressed to you does not imply your superiority, it makes you kind of a toolbag. Perhaps you would be less cranky if you had more than 4% body fat. Statistics show that girls with body fat are happier than those without.
There was something amusing about the fact that you used the treadmill for 45 minutes while staring at the sign that told you to get off after 30. That is, until I'd been on the stairmaster for exactly 30 minutes, cursing it, and wondering why you'd begun a swift jog rather than a warm-down. It's not a competition, but if it came to a duel, I could take you.
And if you pretend someone doesn't exist because you deem her to be, comparatively speaking, a killer whale, you don't earn appreciative looks as you bench press the weight of my Labrodor. Someone doesn't blip into existence purely for your ego, especially not after being forced to endure an hour's worth of "E! True Hollywood Story." That's an hour's worth of brain cells wasted, and I blame you entirely. I will not forget this slight.
Now, I understand that you think because you're a size 2, the world revolves around your needs. What you don't understand is that you don't have enough mass to create the pull needed for this to occur. You need to be at least a size 6 to do that. I will shoulder the burden of having the world revolve around me until you're ready to eat some Cheetos and bulk up a bit.
Eat, drink and be merry!
Sincerely,
Girl-Who-Is-Not-a-Size-Two-and-Still-Finds-the-Strength-To-Live
posted by Meredith at 5:49 PM
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