Zidane's Headbutt and World Peace
In the words of my friend Isaac, Zidane is my new hero.
For those of you who think soccer involves endzones or live in a cave (or an isolationist part of America), the World Cup ended as expected: Italy won. But no one who wasn't supporting France or Italy cared. All anyone could talk about was how Frenchman Zinedine Zidane, in his last game, chose to headbutt an Italian player (Marco Materazzi) and earn a red card. There's a pretty good summary of the speculations and press reaction on kottke.org, and a youtube video of it here.
According to The Daily Mail, Materazzi uttered racial slurs to Zidane. Zidane took the only reasonable course of action: he headbutted him in the chest. And even if Materazzi didn't say anything to him, I still admire Zidane's audacity, that he would headbutt somebody in the chest while being watched by millions of people. Materazzi crumpled pathetically to the field before my eyes, and without knowing why, I cheered. I mean, no reason besides his name not being Maserati, like the sweet car. There's just something so triumphant, so unrepentant about the headbutt. HERE IS MY HEAD, I AM SLAMMING IT INTO YOUR CHEST (in protest of your being a douchebag). There's no ignoring that.
As I think about it more, I've decided that the world might be a better place if we all just headbutted each other when we had beef. So Israel, instead of bombing the Beirut airport today, would have just sent some Israelis to go headbutt some Lebanese in the chest. Maybe there's something satisfying about bombing people, but I wouldn't be concerned about dying in a nuclear apocalypse if the highest level violence escalated to was a headbutt. We would know very clearly what provocation would mean. You call somebody something bad or twist his nipple, you can expect to be knocked over by the force of a skull being rammed into your rib cage (at worst). It would be a fact of life.
Headbutting seems like a deeply personal act. Punching somebody in the face, kicking someone, it's a way of assuming power. It mostly sends the message, "I am alpha male, and I will beat you." Zidane's headbutt said, to me, "I will take no shit." It is perhaps the best offense as defense that I've seen. And it seems like a deeply satisfying act, the one, swift, unexpected motion that floors somebody without permanently injuring him. You still get your point across, and no one dies.
It's like the time in middle school when the girl said to one of the girls who was a little behind in puberty...
"If you didn't have feet, would you wear shoes?"
"No."
"Then why are you wearing a bra?"
Don't cry honey, just headbutt her in her frickin' 7th grade A-cup. That'll teach her. Getting hit in the breasts hurts.
We've been trying diplomacy and war for thousands of years, and we still can't figure out why people continue to hate each other, how to take things from other people without them figuring it out and attacking you, how to keep people honest, and how to make people forget 1000 year old grudges that are only mildly relevant to modern life. I think grudges are often retained because there's no initial outlet for the frustration and resentment. I think a solid head ram into the offender's chest should just about do it. In short, I have no better idea than anyone else as to how we should solve the world's problems, but I think that making headbutts, not war, is a good place to start.
For those of you who think soccer involves endzones or live in a cave (or an isolationist part of America), the World Cup ended as expected: Italy won. But no one who wasn't supporting France or Italy cared. All anyone could talk about was how Frenchman Zinedine Zidane, in his last game, chose to headbutt an Italian player (Marco Materazzi) and earn a red card. There's a pretty good summary of the speculations and press reaction on kottke.org, and a youtube video of it here.
According to The Daily Mail, Materazzi uttered racial slurs to Zidane. Zidane took the only reasonable course of action: he headbutted him in the chest. And even if Materazzi didn't say anything to him, I still admire Zidane's audacity, that he would headbutt somebody in the chest while being watched by millions of people. Materazzi crumpled pathetically to the field before my eyes, and without knowing why, I cheered. I mean, no reason besides his name not being Maserati, like the sweet car. There's just something so triumphant, so unrepentant about the headbutt. HERE IS MY HEAD, I AM SLAMMING IT INTO YOUR CHEST (in protest of your being a douchebag). There's no ignoring that.
As I think about it more, I've decided that the world might be a better place if we all just headbutted each other when we had beef. So Israel, instead of bombing the Beirut airport today, would have just sent some Israelis to go headbutt some Lebanese in the chest. Maybe there's something satisfying about bombing people, but I wouldn't be concerned about dying in a nuclear apocalypse if the highest level violence escalated to was a headbutt. We would know very clearly what provocation would mean. You call somebody something bad or twist his nipple, you can expect to be knocked over by the force of a skull being rammed into your rib cage (at worst). It would be a fact of life.
Headbutting seems like a deeply personal act. Punching somebody in the face, kicking someone, it's a way of assuming power. It mostly sends the message, "I am alpha male, and I will beat you." Zidane's headbutt said, to me, "I will take no shit." It is perhaps the best offense as defense that I've seen. And it seems like a deeply satisfying act, the one, swift, unexpected motion that floors somebody without permanently injuring him. You still get your point across, and no one dies.
It's like the time in middle school when the girl said to one of the girls who was a little behind in puberty...
"If you didn't have feet, would you wear shoes?"
"No."
"Then why are you wearing a bra?"
Don't cry honey, just headbutt her in her frickin' 7th grade A-cup. That'll teach her. Getting hit in the breasts hurts.
We've been trying diplomacy and war for thousands of years, and we still can't figure out why people continue to hate each other, how to take things from other people without them figuring it out and attacking you, how to keep people honest, and how to make people forget 1000 year old grudges that are only mildly relevant to modern life. I think grudges are often retained because there's no initial outlet for the frustration and resentment. I think a solid head ram into the offender's chest should just about do it. In short, I have no better idea than anyone else as to how we should solve the world's problems, but I think that making headbutts, not war, is a good place to start.
posted by Meredith at 1:30 AM
4 Comments:
Amen, sister.
-H
Mer, YOU are my hero
Emma
I dunno. I wasn't a big fan of the headbutt. Bald head hardened from smacking footballs with his head slammed into sternum with all weight of body sounds not only exceedingly painful, but also dangerous, considering the sternum isn't THAT strong.
(If you're wondering about all the comments I'm making on your sites - no, I'm not stalking you. I'm just bored and you're interesting reading/ok, stalking.)
You go girl! this is the first thing i've read that totally understood this zidane thing! you make perfect sense! and by the way... did you notice zidane took him totally off his feet! i just stumbled across your blog... after reading this i added you to my netnewswire! i'm hooked! my profile... 62 year old gramma!!
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