Cats
It's okay to hate cats. I, in fact, am an unrepentant hater of cats. It's not that, given a choice between a cat and a dog, I would choose a dog. It's that, given the choice between a cat and an anaconda, I would take the anaconda. My mom owned a cat when I was a kid. He was a flipping awesome cat who hated me, but he is in the minority of cats which I appreciated the value of. Here are the main reasons it's okay to hate cats:
1a. They think they're smarter than you.
1b. You have to take care of them anyway. I've seen Animal Cops: Detroit, so I know.
(my mother noted that reason one could be said of children, too, but let's ignore that for now)
2. They shed on things, and not in a cute way, like dogs. My mom's cat used to look me straight in the eye as he rubbed his far all over the side of the couch. Just a little bit evil.
3. They lick their bodies and then hock up balls of matted, wet hair at odd times of night.
4. You have to pretend you don't detest the thought/sight of your friends' cats. Admittedly, some of them I don't mind, and the cats mostly avoid me. And occasionally I'll go in for a pat if the cat leaps into my lap.
5. If you own a cat, you have to talk to cat people. Cat people, the ones who read Cat Fancy religiously and buy their cats little boots, think I care about cats. I don't. And they thought my cat cared about their irrelevant mumblings, which he didn't; it was the one thing we agreed on. There are dog people two, but they tend to not be so crazy, except for the ones who think dogs need pink toenails.
6. People think you're perverse if you're not horrified that people eat cats in other parts of the world. It's not that I'd eat a cat, it's just that I don't feel as bad as I should.
7. You can't take them on walks. People try, but the cat always looks mortified and about three seconds away from sticking a claw in your gut and twisting it until your large intestine is above the small intestine. On a sidenote, I used to have a neighbor who walked her gigantic pot-bellied pig every evening. It was really badass, and about ten times better than a cat.
8. Sometimes they're owned by people who thinking cutting the claws is inhumane. I once had a cat sneak into my room when I was at a friend's house changing, and the creature climbed up my bare back. Think on that.
9. Cat breath.
10. Occasionally they're cute and hard to hate. I have very few strong convictions, and I had really hoped that my dislike of cats could be one of these things. Alas.
In short, my hate of cats is really sort of irrational. I mean, they're not bad animals, as animals go. I just think they're stupid pets to have. They're not friendly, you can't put a leash on them, and I may or may not be scarred by the fact that as I child, I could never make cats purr when I petted them. But I want to assure you that if you feel displeasure at the thought of owning a cat, you are not alone.
1a. They think they're smarter than you.
1b. You have to take care of them anyway. I've seen Animal Cops: Detroit, so I know.
(my mother noted that reason one could be said of children, too, but let's ignore that for now)
2. They shed on things, and not in a cute way, like dogs. My mom's cat used to look me straight in the eye as he rubbed his far all over the side of the couch. Just a little bit evil.
3. They lick their bodies and then hock up balls of matted, wet hair at odd times of night.
4. You have to pretend you don't detest the thought/sight of your friends' cats. Admittedly, some of them I don't mind, and the cats mostly avoid me. And occasionally I'll go in for a pat if the cat leaps into my lap.
5. If you own a cat, you have to talk to cat people. Cat people, the ones who read Cat Fancy religiously and buy their cats little boots, think I care about cats. I don't. And they thought my cat cared about their irrelevant mumblings, which he didn't; it was the one thing we agreed on. There are dog people two, but they tend to not be so crazy, except for the ones who think dogs need pink toenails.
6. People think you're perverse if you're not horrified that people eat cats in other parts of the world. It's not that I'd eat a cat, it's just that I don't feel as bad as I should.
7. You can't take them on walks. People try, but the cat always looks mortified and about three seconds away from sticking a claw in your gut and twisting it until your large intestine is above the small intestine. On a sidenote, I used to have a neighbor who walked her gigantic pot-bellied pig every evening. It was really badass, and about ten times better than a cat.
8. Sometimes they're owned by people who thinking cutting the claws is inhumane. I once had a cat sneak into my room when I was at a friend's house changing, and the creature climbed up my bare back. Think on that.
9. Cat breath.
10. Occasionally they're cute and hard to hate. I have very few strong convictions, and I had really hoped that my dislike of cats could be one of these things. Alas.
In short, my hate of cats is really sort of irrational. I mean, they're not bad animals, as animals go. I just think they're stupid pets to have. They're not friendly, you can't put a leash on them, and I may or may not be scarred by the fact that as I child, I could never make cats purr when I petted them. But I want to assure you that if you feel displeasure at the thought of owning a cat, you are not alone.
posted by Meredith at 1:06 AM
5 Comments:
It's easier to play tag with a cat than it is with a dog. Chasing the dog under the table and over again isn't the best idea.
Plus, cats are sexier than dogs. Nyeeeeh.
My cat is amazing and you know it. She was trying to fight fireflies through a pane of glass last night. Very stupid, but also adorable.
However--- I am a dog person at heart.
You forgot the part where some cats will sneak into a room as you're closing the door, then pee on your pillow when they discover they are locked inside because you've gone for the day.
Although my one friend's cat learned how to operate doorknobs. That cat might be OK, but I'm a little bit afraid of it since learning that.
bekka: Whoa, whoa, whoa. My dog is expert at tag.
hannah: Okay, so maybe I do like your cat. But this must be kept on the down low.
jill: That's kind of terrible. It's worse than waking up with a cat on your face. Yeah, cats be CRAZY.
I appreciate how you feel. I dislike cats too. In fact, you may appreciate www.hatecats.co.uk
You should send them your reasons for hating cats, they might add it.
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