NOT Sexyback

Every day I am bludgeoned with the cudgel that is "Sexyback." It invades the radio and is inevitably blasting from someone's car stereo at least once a day. In my fantasies, I throw myself from the sidewalk, lean in the window and rip with stereo from the car with a scream of animalistic rage. I resent this song's existense with all the feeling I possess. I know that pop music has its place, and dance music, too. I can't have too high expectations for it. But every once in a while, there is a song on the radio that inspires rage in me. Right now, that song is "Sexyback."

I was baffled by its awfulness when I first heard it on the radio. The DJ, in a typical fashion, didn't bother to introduce the artist or the song before playing it. Just as I was confused by Cher's "Believe," so was I unable to determine the gender of the singer of "Sexyback." I thought it was a woman. It turned out to be Justin Timberlake, and I cringed. I loved 'NSync so much when I was young and impressionable, and it hurts me when post-boyband solo careers take such a drastic turn.

It's built on a template for a song with nothing embellishing it and making it worthwhile. There's a repeating series of pounding notes that don't vary in the song. The templatey feel is especially alive when he outlines exactly where the song is going. "Bring it to the bridge!" "Bring it to the chorus!" I may not be expecting some Bob Dylan-esque lyrics, but is that seriously the best you could do?

And I would like to firmly establish that no, Justin Timberlake, you are not bringing sexy back. I don't know where he thinks it went, but if it's gone missing, it's still hanging out with Jimmy Hoffa somewhere. More offensive than the idea that you can singlehandedly restore sexy or sexiness with a poorly-conceived dance cross-over song is that your song doesn't make me want to dance, which is a difficult trick.

I'm breaking off my fleeting dabbles into your music, Justin Timberlake. I didn't love "Cry Me a River," but I could stand it. Now we've just grown too far apart; I don't think sexy went anywhere and just want to dance, but you're saying that I'm wrong, and trying to keep me from dancing. I think we're going in different directions. And I don't know if I'm ready to be friends just yet.