The Adventures of Pedestrian Girl

I was almost run down by a car yesterday as I entered a crosswalk. I had just toed into the street when a pink sportscar sped up and plowed through the crosswalk, blaring rap music. I would like to say, first of all, if you're a man, you can't be a badass when you're driving a pink sportscar. Second, blasting rap music it from it doesn't fool anyone; I know you're white, and have a small penis. Third, if you're the kind of tool who drives a pink sports car while blasting rap music and ignores traffic laws, there's nowhere you could possibly need to go that requires you hurry, much less almost run down teenage girls.

Thus, I have decided that if I had to be a superhero of limited use, I would be Pedestrian Girl. I would spot a car about to not yield to pedestrians and dash over. As the car approached, I would throw myself on the hood, roll over the top of the car and slam onto the ground behind. The average person would stop their car with an "Oh shit!" face, because there were witnesses. I, uninjured because my super power would be immunity to being hit by cars, would lie on the ground, my leg at an odd angle. The driver would approach cautiously as someone called 911. Then, when he came close enough, I would open my eyes and yell, "Surprise!" While the driver was vulnerable after receiving a shock, I would stand up and give them a speech that would be something along the lines of "Now, you'll think about stopping at that crosswalk next time, won't you?" Stunned, she would nod, and I would send her on her merry way to thunderous applause from my fellow pedestrians.

I'm not going to lie, though. When I'm in the city, I'm a terrible pedestrian. I jaywalk, and not even running across the street when no cars are coming. I meander through traffic jams in downtown to get where I want to go. I make some drivers nervous by walking straight at their car when it's turning, knowing the car will have gone by the time I get there. I can't help it. I'm impatient. And when I'm driving, I want to mow down slow-moving pedestrians. That doesn't mean I drive like I'm trying to, though.

Remember, just because I want to be immune to being hit by cars doesn't mean that I (or anyone else) am. Stop at crosswalks, even though pedestrians are assholes.