Confession
One of my secrets wishes is that I could punch people in the face with my mind. Today there were seven people who cut in front of me while I was driving, and none of these people signaled. If being punched in the face by an invisible fist of fury wouldn't cause some sort of panic or mishap that would involve me, being directly behind the punchee, I would will this on these people. Similarly do I wish this upon the girl who kept honking her horn because I wouldn't turn left into oncoming traffic, and she was impatient. I would have her socked right in her designer sunglasses.
Then there is that one kid in class who won't shut up. I sometimes don't speak up for fearing of being this jackass. You know the one. Sensing when someone's coming to her last word, he begins as if continuing the sentence. And then he won't stop. It's a bunch of nothing, and he has a bunch of nothing response to absolutely every comment anyone makes. No one cares and no one wants to get in trouble for punching him in the face (preferably the mouth), either to incapacitate him or send the message that no one else wants to know what he thinks. The other appropriate option is a spray bottle, much like the one used in some dog training to tell the dog to stop whatever the hell he's doing. Pooping on the carpet, jumping on people, talking when I don't give a shit, all of these things are fine examples of a time for the spray bottle treatment. I wouldn't punch a dog in the face.
The invisible punch is perhaps less noble than the mighty headbutt, but somehow I'll manage. I don't want people to be injured, per se, just momentarily surprised and a little bit achey. After all, some people are assholes and just don't realize it. And most people think they're good drivers, even when they strike fear into the hearts of other drivers. The punch would be a good way of alerting them, shoving them forcefully from their ignorance. Perhaps there would be a sign or note that would accompany the punch: here is why you deserved to be punched in the face, now renounce your dirty ways. And for the people who know they're doing something wrong and dangerous and do it anyway, they will simply receive an invisible punch with no note. They already know.
Oh, and please don't email me anymore about how violence isn't the answer. I don't condone beating children, actually punching people in the face or bullying people you don't like. I just fantasize about the invisible punching, and I would probably be horrified if it actually happened. So accept that I have invisible punched you in the face via the internet for nagging me, invisible punch me in the face for not being appropriately sensitive, and let's sit down and drink some tea.
Then there is that one kid in class who won't shut up. I sometimes don't speak up for fearing of being this jackass. You know the one. Sensing when someone's coming to her last word, he begins as if continuing the sentence. And then he won't stop. It's a bunch of nothing, and he has a bunch of nothing response to absolutely every comment anyone makes. No one cares and no one wants to get in trouble for punching him in the face (preferably the mouth), either to incapacitate him or send the message that no one else wants to know what he thinks. The other appropriate option is a spray bottle, much like the one used in some dog training to tell the dog to stop whatever the hell he's doing. Pooping on the carpet, jumping on people, talking when I don't give a shit, all of these things are fine examples of a time for the spray bottle treatment. I wouldn't punch a dog in the face.
The invisible punch is perhaps less noble than the mighty headbutt, but somehow I'll manage. I don't want people to be injured, per se, just momentarily surprised and a little bit achey. After all, some people are assholes and just don't realize it. And most people think they're good drivers, even when they strike fear into the hearts of other drivers. The punch would be a good way of alerting them, shoving them forcefully from their ignorance. Perhaps there would be a sign or note that would accompany the punch: here is why you deserved to be punched in the face, now renounce your dirty ways. And for the people who know they're doing something wrong and dangerous and do it anyway, they will simply receive an invisible punch with no note. They already know.
Oh, and please don't email me anymore about how violence isn't the answer. I don't condone beating children, actually punching people in the face or bullying people you don't like. I just fantasize about the invisible punching, and I would probably be horrified if it actually happened. So accept that I have invisible punched you in the face via the internet for nagging me, invisible punch me in the face for not being appropriately sensitive, and let's sit down and drink some tea.
posted by Meredith at 2:04 AM
3 Comments:
You are my personal hero.
Emma
This really reminds me of my stepdad, who once told me,
"Sometimes I wish God would grant us one rocket launcher a day..."
A wise wish.
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