Calories
I was recently discussing calories with some friends, and I think there is some important information about them that I should share with everyone. A lot of people around me calorie count, and I want this to stop. I think this may be because people don't understand what does and does not have calories. Despite popular belief, not everything has calories, and some things don't have calories all the time. I am here to clear up this confusion.
Food does not have calories if:
1. It's free. Those cookies they have in the back for the end of the book reading that look oh so good, but you tell yourself not to be tempted? Go for it, their being free makes them free of calories.
2. No one knows you ate it. We've all done it, secretly delighted in grazing for an entire afternoon, cookies, cheese, fruit, ice cream, whatever. If no one catches you or notices the food missing, this food has no calories.
3. You eat it directly before or after exercising. If you eat it right before you work out and don't get strange cramping, then it doesn't have calories. When you work hard, you should reward yourself with delicious food. Just make sure you don't eat both before and after. Then the food has calories.
4. You drink it with diet soda. Okay, at first I thought it was really stupid and ironic to drink a diet soda while eating a Big Mac and fries, but now I finally understand. Diet sodas may taste like swill, but when you drink them in conjunction with a high calorie meal, you cancel out all of the calories.
5. Someone makes it to surprise you. It doesn't happen often enough that someone surprises me with desserts. Surprise food made with love loses all its calories, because it's love powered.
6. It's eaten after 11 o'clock at night. There's no explanation for this one, it just makes sense.
7. It's fudge. Shut up at eat the fudge. You didn't buy it for the simple pleasure of looking at it; you could have done that in the store.
8. It's eaten on a first date. Salad is awkward to eat, and do you really want to look funny or weight-obsessed in front of your date? Eat something with substance or something that normally has a lot of calories (a steak, or something), negated by the circumstances. Indulge. Vegetarians can go for a tofu burger.
9. It's eaten while you're preparing it. Anytime you get a case of the munchies while preparing that stir fry, or feel the need to eat the cookie dough, even if it leaves you one cookie short for the church bakesale, do it. Food eaten while it's in its incomplete stages hasn't yet developed calories.
Now stop bitching, start eating, and get rid of the damn nutritional information on my chicken nuggets (I don't need it, I've got diet soda).
Food does not have calories if:
1. It's free. Those cookies they have in the back for the end of the book reading that look oh so good, but you tell yourself not to be tempted? Go for it, their being free makes them free of calories.
2. No one knows you ate it. We've all done it, secretly delighted in grazing for an entire afternoon, cookies, cheese, fruit, ice cream, whatever. If no one catches you or notices the food missing, this food has no calories.
3. You eat it directly before or after exercising. If you eat it right before you work out and don't get strange cramping, then it doesn't have calories. When you work hard, you should reward yourself with delicious food. Just make sure you don't eat both before and after. Then the food has calories.
4. You drink it with diet soda. Okay, at first I thought it was really stupid and ironic to drink a diet soda while eating a Big Mac and fries, but now I finally understand. Diet sodas may taste like swill, but when you drink them in conjunction with a high calorie meal, you cancel out all of the calories.
5. Someone makes it to surprise you. It doesn't happen often enough that someone surprises me with desserts. Surprise food made with love loses all its calories, because it's love powered.
6. It's eaten after 11 o'clock at night. There's no explanation for this one, it just makes sense.
7. It's fudge. Shut up at eat the fudge. You didn't buy it for the simple pleasure of looking at it; you could have done that in the store.
8. It's eaten on a first date. Salad is awkward to eat, and do you really want to look funny or weight-obsessed in front of your date? Eat something with substance or something that normally has a lot of calories (a steak, or something), negated by the circumstances. Indulge. Vegetarians can go for a tofu burger.
9. It's eaten while you're preparing it. Anytime you get a case of the munchies while preparing that stir fry, or feel the need to eat the cookie dough, even if it leaves you one cookie short for the church bakesale, do it. Food eaten while it's in its incomplete stages hasn't yet developed calories.
Now stop bitching, start eating, and get rid of the damn nutritional information on my chicken nuggets (I don't need it, I've got diet soda).
posted by Meredith at 1:25 AM
5 Comments:
If I live by this and get reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally fat, am I insured by this blog entry? ;-)
:-D
Yeah, like - can we sue if it all goes terribly wrong, and in a few months we're all undesirable and no-one talks to us? :-D
Screw tofu burgers - they would be baaaad. I'll go for falafel burgers with my vegetarian ways :)
You have to truly believe in these truths, otherwise it won't work. Negative thinking is +500 calories. It's like the Skittles commercial: if you don't believe in the rainbow, it ceases to exist, and you fall to your death. So yes, I will insure you.
Wow, Your blog on calories is excellent.
I'll mark your blog in my browser, and come back to visit.
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