No Carbs

Dear Fast Food Restaurants:

You may continue to serve no carb meals on the menu, but please note that continuing to do so may lead to the untimely death of your CEO. It's not that I'm against people dieting, it's just that seeing these items on the menu induces a rage in me that could be sustained long enough to hunt down the person in charge. No carbs is over, or it should be, and the idea that you are trying to create a long term niche market for this distresses me. Eventually we will have to fend for ourselves, eating normal (read tasty) food again, food called bread. While I would hunt and gather if I could (this is a lie), it's rather unreasonable for me to do so, so please humor me. My shame at not being able to kill a deer from fifty feet is punishment enough.

Also, I am not eating fast food with the expectation that I will leave the restaurant with unclogged arteries. Therefore, please spare me the nutrition information on the side of the box containing my hamburger. You know who you are (McDONALDS!). While I am entirely aware that people sue you because they are surprised that eating lots of fat makes you fat, not all of us need to suffer for our awareness. I encourage you to train employees to assess which customers will be at all interested in knowing what they're eating, and assign them boxes accordingly. If this occurs, I will do my part and order while wearing a t-shirt proclaiming "I don't care, just feed me."

If you will consider my requests, I will no longer site passages from Fast Food Nation, turning people off not just your food, but all food forever. We both know there's not much of a market for your product when people don't eat anymore. This brings me to my next point. There are poor, starving children in third world countries and anorexics who can't eat. The rest of us need to eat for their sakes, and I would do my part in eating a lot more happily if you would let me kill myself with hamburgers in peace.

Here is my proposal: have a campaign where you rehabilitate anorexics with fast food. It would serve two purposes. First, after witnessing the anorexics' rapid weight gain, it would provide people who blame your food for making them fat with less of an argument about not knowing the effects of fast food. Second, there would be some plumper, sort of healthier people in the world, via the rehabilitation, who would no longer awaken in me a desireto play on their ribs like a xylophone. Actually, there is a third benefit: I would be happy. And a happy customer means money, and therefore a happy company.

Sincerely,
She-Who-Is-Creeped-Out-By-The-Burger-King-Commercial-But-Is-Still-Made-Hungry-By-It, Mistress of Unhealthy Eating