Life Software Updates

I just nearly pissed myself.  I just heard Ben Folds' cover of "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre.  It is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and I feel really good about it.  But this note is entirely unrelated.

In my philosophy class last year, we had discussions about whether or not we live in the best of all possible worlds.  I'm not going into my opinion of it.  The best of all possible worlds may not be a perfect world, etc., etc.  But even if this is the best of all possible worlds, it could use some software updates:

1. No bad hair days.  As somebody with an unruly mass of curly, fine, easily tangled hair, bad hair days follow me like the smell of toilet disinfectant from someone who just used a train bathroom.  They detract from the quality of my life, and trying to figure out what to do about them slows down my movement to breakfast.

2. A seat always available in my favorite coffee shop.  Scenario: I purchase a delicious chai latte, reading to read my Dostoevsky and quietly contemplate the futile nature of my existence.  I turn, and all seats are filled with chatting groups and people hunched over their laptops, reading erotic stories, taking personality tests and occasionally actually working.  I am forced to take my chai to go and think about something more frivolous like the wildly ugly coat that girl across the street is wearing.

3. I will not watch somebody scoop out the last of the ice cream in the dining hall.  There's something disheartening about fighting your way into an ice cream line, only to watch the last of the mint chocolate chip go into the bowl of someone who will appreciate it far less than you would have.

4. A loud whooping noise or similar alert will go off when someone runs a red light while you're trying to jaywalk farther down the road.  I was nearly mowed down today.  There's only room for one lawbreaker at a time, buddy.

5. Laundry will teleport itself to the laundry room.  Currently my laundry options are both located in the basements of buildings that are not my dorm.  I am forced to lug my heavy (procrastination and serial clothing-changing is a harsh marriage) laundry bag down four flights of stairs and across the quad.  Even worse, however, is the trek back up, involving four flights UP.

6. MORE SPONTANEOUS DANCE PARTIES.  I just can't live like this anymore.  I turn on the music and start dancing.  People avoid eye contact and stay where they are, resisting the beat.  "But there aren't that many peope here."  I care nothing for your whims, only my own.  If you can't find the courage to dance without a horde of sweaty people pressed up against you, you don't deserve to enjoy dancing.  And I want you to enjoy dancing.

7. iTunes will stop trying to foil my attempts to own more music than I will ever listen to.  You may think you're safe, but when you've forgotten about this threat, when you're least suspecting it...

8. People will make decisions according to the Apple Jacks slogan, "We eat what we like."  If you're deciding between two things, do what you like.  If you chose something you know you'd hate, knowing the outcome, you don't get to whine about it.  I can't help that you chose Raisin Bran.  Being miserable for the right reasons isn't a way to live your life.

Installing Best of All Possible Worlds, Version 1.1...

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