Disney

I hope I never get old enough to think I'm too old for Disney animated movies. None of that 3D crap they're peddling now, I mean the good stuff. The movies from the now defunct 2D studio, like Aladdin and Robin Hood and The Little Mermaid. I watched Aladdin last night, and it brought me the same, unadulterated pleasure that it did when I was a little kid. There are constantly new things being revealed, new jokes that I didn't understand when I was little and didn't catch the last 20 times I watched it. And then there's the scandalous screenshots, like the one where the priest in the wedding scene in the end of The Little Mermaid has a prominent hard-on. It's like the movies grow with me, and it reassures me that even if I'm killed by a polar-ice-cap-melting-induced tidal wave, nuclear warfare, a poisoned water supply or a militant group of twelve-year-old boys, I will have experienced the good that the world has to offer.

It is because of this that I must ask: Disney, what the fuck are you doing? I know the argument for shutting down the 2D studios was that kids weren't interested in watching that kind of thing anymore, and so they didn't make any money. Ah yes, thank you, that explains why kids HATE anime (yes, I know there's anime aimed at people older than 8, too). Allow me to enlighten you. The reason they didn't like the never 2D movies was because they are, quite simply, shit in a plastic box. You have to have good music, good animation and an interesting story to make kids watch movies; THEY'RE BORED EASILY. 3D animation can only entertain them so much before they realize that they're watching a stupid movie about cows who kind of do something because something might need saving but not really; oh, and that the music was written by a 14-year-old girl with a drummachine. You didn't fix the problem, you 3D duct-taped it. And even though you can make a legitimate wallet out of duct tape, you can't make legitimate money out of it.

As a side note, just because the first movie made money doesn't mean that a sequel is a good idea. I'm not saying Disney's the only culprit; I did see The Matrix: Reloaded, after all. But as the company that created so much joy for so many children, you should be especially horrified at Pocahontas II, Sleeping Beauty II, Mulan II, and especially The Lion King 1 1/2. For shame! Is nothing sacred? Every time you release one of those monstrosities or advertise the DVD on television, you stomp on my heart with golf shoes.