DVDs
DVDs are yet another piece of technology that have not lived up to expectations. DVDs were supposed to perform magic, take my viewing pleasure to an entirely new level. They would make the picture quality better, I would never have to rewind them, and I could skip to my favorite scenes with mere presses of a button. And I didn't have to wait until the end of the movie to see the cool extra features. Finally, they wouldn't be as bulky and easy to destroy as VHS tapes.
Well, the picture quality is better, and I don't have to rewind them (and we've gotten to the point where few people I interact with are unaware of this), and I can skip to my favorite scenes. Unfortunately, there is a flaw in DVDs' magic: they still crap out, just like VHS tapes used to. Increasingly, new DVDs will have flaws that cause strange phenomena while I'm watching my movies.
For example, the movie will stop, always with an actor caught in the most awkward facial expression. The room tenses collectively, hoping that no one will have to get off her ass and kick or wipe something. Slowly, the scene begins moving, but all of a sudden everything is broken into 100 colored boxes that shift color and move slowly as the scene sputters and the actors slowly attempt to speak and move their heads. The eyes of actors on the screen break into boxes, move up, grow gigantic and start popping with excruciating slowness out of foreheads for no explainable reason. Suddenly my favorite movie has become abstract modern art, some sort of updated, pixelated Picasso wonderland. The TV emits a low, sputtering whine as parts of dialogue are attempted, snipped, and elongated to unrecognizable levels.
Finally, after thirty seconds of hoping time will make the movie miraculously return to its glory, someone gets up to wipe the DVD. One should note that this is necessary because once the DVD starts spazzing out, it's impossible to just skip to the next scene. She glances down. The DVD is unscratched, and in fact in pristine condition. So why the hell doesn't it work? She pops it back in. Sometimes it works, and sometimes the movie stops in the exact same place. After ten minutes, we finally get to the next scene of the movie. Unfortunately, DVDs have been manufactured to break only at crucial points in the storyline. We gape, aghast, as the married man starts canoodling with the cute waitress he met in the beginning of the movie. Oh wait, he's not married, he got DIVORCED in the scene we missed. I didn't catch that, I was too busy watching the wife's mouth drift down to her sternum and explode in a shower of large pixels. Oy vey.
I've decided that because new DVDs sometimes pull modern art trick, it's not always my fault when it breaks. My older DVDs are still going strong and have never exhibited any of the problems the newer ones do. I don't know if production has gotten sloppier or cheaper or what, but if it's a clever scheme to get me to purchase the same movie more than once, it's not going to work. I'm onto your tricks, don't think you fool me.
Well, the picture quality is better, and I don't have to rewind them (and we've gotten to the point where few people I interact with are unaware of this), and I can skip to my favorite scenes. Unfortunately, there is a flaw in DVDs' magic: they still crap out, just like VHS tapes used to. Increasingly, new DVDs will have flaws that cause strange phenomena while I'm watching my movies.
For example, the movie will stop, always with an actor caught in the most awkward facial expression. The room tenses collectively, hoping that no one will have to get off her ass and kick or wipe something. Slowly, the scene begins moving, but all of a sudden everything is broken into 100 colored boxes that shift color and move slowly as the scene sputters and the actors slowly attempt to speak and move their heads. The eyes of actors on the screen break into boxes, move up, grow gigantic and start popping with excruciating slowness out of foreheads for no explainable reason. Suddenly my favorite movie has become abstract modern art, some sort of updated, pixelated Picasso wonderland. The TV emits a low, sputtering whine as parts of dialogue are attempted, snipped, and elongated to unrecognizable levels.
Finally, after thirty seconds of hoping time will make the movie miraculously return to its glory, someone gets up to wipe the DVD. One should note that this is necessary because once the DVD starts spazzing out, it's impossible to just skip to the next scene. She glances down. The DVD is unscratched, and in fact in pristine condition. So why the hell doesn't it work? She pops it back in. Sometimes it works, and sometimes the movie stops in the exact same place. After ten minutes, we finally get to the next scene of the movie. Unfortunately, DVDs have been manufactured to break only at crucial points in the storyline. We gape, aghast, as the married man starts canoodling with the cute waitress he met in the beginning of the movie. Oh wait, he's not married, he got DIVORCED in the scene we missed. I didn't catch that, I was too busy watching the wife's mouth drift down to her sternum and explode in a shower of large pixels. Oy vey.
I've decided that because new DVDs sometimes pull modern art trick, it's not always my fault when it breaks. My older DVDs are still going strong and have never exhibited any of the problems the newer ones do. I don't know if production has gotten sloppier or cheaper or what, but if it's a clever scheme to get me to purchase the same movie more than once, it's not going to work. I'm onto your tricks, don't think you fool me.
posted by Meredith at 7:30 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home