Apple Douchebag

I just purchased an white Apple MacBook and video ipod (to replace my first generation ipod that only allows me to admire my music collection, rather than play it). Or rather, my father just purchased them, looking pained as he did so, struggling not to ask me just one more time if I didn't want a cheaper PC laptop. I received my first computer when I was eight, and it was a Mac. I didn't appreciate how ahead of the curve I was at the time. I was sort of unimpressed with the beige box that took up space on my desk and couldn't play any of my MS-DOS games we'd purchased for our Paleozoic PC. The Mac languished under my care, and after several years of word processing and playing games, my mother sold my computer.

But something happened in the past ten years: there's an Apple CULTURE. Suddenly an eight-year-old would be delighted to receive an Apple computer, rather than slightly befuddled and mildly appreciative of its superior interface. But my greatest fear is that, immediately after opening the laptop for the first time, I will become an Apple Douchebag. The Apple Douchebag believes that not only is Microsoft the worst thing to happen to mankind, people who do not convert to Steve Jobs' vision/cult will be eliminated by natural selection if he just bides his time. This person is exemplified in the commercial in which one, middle-aged man plays a PC, and the scruffy pseudo-hipster plays the Apple. The implication is that PCs, just like the polyester of the PC man's youth has long been out of fashion, so is non-Apple whatever on way out. The pseudo-hipster? He's the disdainful, slightly mocking guy whose culture I'm supposed to buy into. I feel like I'm already slipping into oblivion, what with my Urban Outfitters t-shirts, dirty hoodie and Converses, only to be compounded by a MacBook.

all entries written by the apple douchebag look something like this paragraph. there is a marked contempt for capitalization and any color scheme that is not gray, blue and white. the text is decidedly smaller. and it is all very minimalist. i may wear a dirty hoodie, but at least my computer does not shut down at random. my world is beautiful and i don't even know who britany speers or however you spell it, whatever, is.

Plenty of nice people use Apples, and speak very intelligently about the advantages. For instance, you don't press the start button when you want to shut the computer down. You start to finish? STOP THE MADNESS. But here is my official warning to everyone who owns an Apple computer and wants to share the knowledge with the world:
1. PC users are afraid of the Apple interface
2. it is doubtful that you will conquer their fear
3. bludgeoning them with your opinion and scoffing at their PCs will only make them resent you, and stick more firmly to their ways
4. many people automatically assume that you're a tool or an Apple Douchebag
5. people like money, and may not want to part with as much as an Apple computer requires

Apple users and PC users can live in peace, just like pseudo-hipsters and men who wear tweed suits can get along.

note: I experimented with Apple Asshole for alliteration's sake, but decided against it.

Technorati Tags apple,microsoft,computing,macbook