Dog Farts

My dog's farts are what they meant when they created the phrase "silent but deadly." There is never any warning to them. One moment you're fine, and the next your eyes are tearing up and you're burying your face in your sleeve. The smell is enough to peel paint off walls. I got a taste of it for the first time last night; that's right, taste. It's a moist, disgusting fart that permeates both taste and smell. I wanted to throw myself out the window.
(photo hosted by Zooomr because of an exciting new offer)
At first I didn't understand. My father and I are of the school of feeding the dog only dog food and absolutely nothing from the table. My mother is from the pampering school of dog care. She feeds my dog shamelessly, has me cook an extra slice of bacon for her when I make breakfast, blows on bits of chicken before sharing it with her at dinner. Therefore, she was always the one who bore the brunt of the farting. My dog makes sure to position herself as close to my mother as possible when we are eating, in case something drops. We're talking head in the lap, here.

Her proximity not only makes food more accessible, but also made it so that only my mother was on the receiving end of the death farts. My father and I, oblivious, would continue eating dinner as my mother recoiled and waved her hand in front of her face futilely.

Last night, however, as my parents suffered through the previous night's "The Colbert Report," my dog lay down beneath me. I thought nothing of it until the poison gas set in. I let out a cry of disgust and horror, staring at the offending dog bum, positioned as close to my nose as possible. My mother, unsympathetic and actually rather gleeful, chuckled and thanked God that finally she was no longer alone in her suffering. My father shrugged, smelling nothing. My dog stared off into space, feigning innocence.

I have thus come to the conclusion that if my brilliant plan to make headbutts, not war fails, the next weapon of choice will be the unadulterated power of dog flatulence, the new tear gas. It literally stuns you for a moment. I imagine that if it were strong enough and there were enough of it, you could lay a city to waste. People would collapse in the streets, crying, wishing there had least been a warning. But that's the key: it's silent but deadly.