Crack Kills

Dear Women Who Flash Butt Crack,

It is apparent to me that you don't remember one of school's most important lessons: crack kills. Did you learn nothing from your health teacher? She wasn't just talking about the stuff you snorted off a urinal at that party last week. I don't quite understand why exactly you insist on wearing low-slung pants that display crack not only when you're bending, but also when you're just walking down the street. You know what I want to do when I see the crack? I want to stick a credit card right between your cheeks. Because it makes you look cheap, sort of desperate, and unable to find adequately fitting clothes.

This brings me to my second annoyance: the improper use or abuse of thongs. I know that in the mass hysteria that ensued after the release of Sisqo's "The Thong Song," you are desperate to stick pieces of fabric between ass cheeks, but we've lost sight of the original purpose of the thong. Before the cultural phenomenon of filling most of your wardrobe with thongs, people actually had a non-stupid reason for wearing thongs. Thongs were created for those outfits that looked awkward with panty-lines. As in, you were trying to make your underwear less apparent. It is therefore baffling, and sort of ironic, that you now hike up thong straps above pants so that they rest where waistlines on pants used to be. There is no choice but to stare at the hot pink thong that you have so thoughtfully brought to my attention. I am not fooled when someone points out that your pants are riding low and you giggle as though you're oh-so-demure and embarrassed. You wouldn't wear a hot pink thong with low-riders if you didn't want people to notice.

And just to be clear, wearing a thong with low-cut jeans does not make you someone who's not a crack offender. It means you're a double offender. Just because you're wearing a thong and I can't technically see your crack doesn't make it okay. Underwear is supposed to stay under your pants, and your pants are supposed to cover your damn butt. Butt cleavage is not an acceptable addition to upstairs cleavage, nor can it act in lieu of it. People have been bearing parts of breasts for centuries, accentuating them, pushing them up, drawing attention to the cleavage. But they kept their butt cleavage covered. You know why? Because there's nothing alluring about it. Breasts suggest fertility, the buttocks suggests fertilizer. I'm not interested in your excuses or arguments.

The girls in my dorm, when we were considering our dorm gear, wanted to make fun of it. Although the idea was shot down by the dorm heads immediately after its inception, the joke was that we would get dorm thongs with our extensions printed on the back. Yes, it's trashy, and the fact that we were scarred enough by our experiences to conceive of it says enough: when you flash intentional butt crack or thong crack, babies cry.

I went to a gym the other day and made the mistake of climbing onto a stairmaster that looked over a woman who hadn't mastered wearing pants yet. It was a whole new level of terrible. Things were visible from the top and the bottom. I didn't know you could find training shorts that exposed butt crack and the bottom of the buttocks. It flopped around, sweat began dripping down her back, and I was forced to switch machines. Since there are so many varieties of horror that you are inflicting on the world, I think it is only write that you chastise each other and retire in shame until they stop making low rise jeans. Some of you butt crack flashers will argue that you're fine, sexy and a little risque, but the thong-flashers are desperate. They say the same of you, and the reason is because you both are making poor decisions. Think on it, and repent.

Sincerely,
The-Girl-Who-Was-Blinded

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