Food Thief
Living in a dorm has its definite pluses, proximity to friends, a massive collection of clothing to draw upon, and full seasons of excellent TV shows among them. Dorm living is not, unfortunately, restricted to these things.
The greatest problem with dorm living (aside from shared bathrooms) is most definitely food thieves. There is a communal fridge. Now, some in the dorm seem to be under the impression that our communal fridge is much like the "magic fridge" in the Budweiser commercial, but filling mysteriously with free food, instead of beer. I would like to assure everyone who is or will be living with a communal fridge: this is a lie. People perform a difficult trick in which they go to the supermarket and purchase food to fill the fridge. Thus, when you eat half my Ben & Jerry's and leave an open carton of it in the freezer, with a spoon still wedged in it, you are stealing my food, and a little bit of my dignity. Because leaving the spoon in my ice cream is just adding insult to injury.
To solve this problem, I have devised what I like to call "Back Away from My Food," also known as the BAMF. Everyone would have IDs planted on them so that the computer would recognize and be able to match with the name written on food containers. It would be mounted on the top of the fridge. When a food thief came in to eat someone else's raw cookie dough, the BAMF would give them a shock, much like being briefly tasered. It would then make a record of who had attempted to steal the food.
This technology is still in the works, however, so for the time being the main solution is to put things in the fridge that you like, but are utterly unappealing to everyone else (see natto). It is perhaps the most effective way to keep your food, for now, aside from a minifridge in your room. However, if one does decide to put the disgusting, unappealing food in the fridge, it is necessary to remember that it's in there. Three weeks in the fridge is too long for most things, and they start to, well, SMELL LIKE THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH. We've had this problem at the end of year, two times running. Someone will leave some rank Chinese food in the fridge to go even worse, and two weeks later the smell has permeated the entire refrigerator so that when someone opens the door, the entire common room is given a wash of nauseating odor. By this time it is nearly impossible to identify which box is the culprit, because everything smells like it and food is packed too tightly into the fridge to find it, anyway.
In short, I will eventually figure out how to snipe you, food thieves, so you better quit while you're still ahead. And, death by stinky Chinese is not an appropriate way to kill food thieves, so toss out that General Tso's chicken.
The greatest problem with dorm living (aside from shared bathrooms) is most definitely food thieves. There is a communal fridge. Now, some in the dorm seem to be under the impression that our communal fridge is much like the "magic fridge" in the Budweiser commercial, but filling mysteriously with free food, instead of beer. I would like to assure everyone who is or will be living with a communal fridge: this is a lie. People perform a difficult trick in which they go to the supermarket and purchase food to fill the fridge. Thus, when you eat half my Ben & Jerry's and leave an open carton of it in the freezer, with a spoon still wedged in it, you are stealing my food, and a little bit of my dignity. Because leaving the spoon in my ice cream is just adding insult to injury.
To solve this problem, I have devised what I like to call "Back Away from My Food," also known as the BAMF. Everyone would have IDs planted on them so that the computer would recognize and be able to match with the name written on food containers. It would be mounted on the top of the fridge. When a food thief came in to eat someone else's raw cookie dough, the BAMF would give them a shock, much like being briefly tasered. It would then make a record of who had attempted to steal the food.
This technology is still in the works, however, so for the time being the main solution is to put things in the fridge that you like, but are utterly unappealing to everyone else (see natto). It is perhaps the most effective way to keep your food, for now, aside from a minifridge in your room. However, if one does decide to put the disgusting, unappealing food in the fridge, it is necessary to remember that it's in there. Three weeks in the fridge is too long for most things, and they start to, well, SMELL LIKE THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH. We've had this problem at the end of year, two times running. Someone will leave some rank Chinese food in the fridge to go even worse, and two weeks later the smell has permeated the entire refrigerator so that when someone opens the door, the entire common room is given a wash of nauseating odor. By this time it is nearly impossible to identify which box is the culprit, because everything smells like it and food is packed too tightly into the fridge to find it, anyway.
In short, I will eventually figure out how to snipe you, food thieves, so you better quit while you're still ahead. And, death by stinky Chinese is not an appropriate way to kill food thieves, so toss out that General Tso's chicken.
posted by Meredith at 7:54 PM
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