No Pants
If it wouldn't get me arrested or sent to a professional, I would boycott pants. I have an unexplainable hatred of them. In my best of possible worlds, I would not be required to wear pants. Originally I went around saying that in my ideal world, there would simply be no pants, but my opinion has since evolved. This evolution was facilitated by the upsetting thought of several people without pants and in fact in a universe where they would NEVER wear pants. I have thus decided that it would only be acceptable for me to not wear pants.
It's not that I find skirts more enjoyable, or tights or pantaloons. It's just that I wish I could roam free. Admittedly, I used to be the number one supporter of pants in the world, and fought for my right to wear them valiantly against my mother. She attempted with minimal success to get me into dresses and skirts for twelve years. When I was in first grade, and my mother had to return yet another skirt that was oh-so-cute, that I would surely like this time, she asked in frustration, "Well, why can't you wear skirts? Are you morally opposed to them?"
No. Nor have I ever been morally opposed to them. It was just that you can't hang upside-down on the monkey bars when you're wearing a skirt. Otherwise boys would make fun of you and you'd have to push them off a swing set or give them cooties (between the times you were getting married).
I'm just in favor of my being free to run around in my underwear. People have suggested that I am at nudist at heart, and perhaps that's true. The subsequent suggestion has been that I move to a nudist colony. My response is, "Would you move to a nudist colony?" It's not that being partially unclothed would be a lifestyle choice, I'm not for returning to a naked, pseudo-Adam-and-Eve state, it's that pants are inconvenient and mildly uncomfortable, and I'd prefer not to deal with them. People in nudist colonies seem to feel that they are enlightened much in the way the first few people who bought hybrid cars seemed to feel that they were to the environment was Jesus was to humanity, i.e. saving it. I don't think I'm englightened or have entered a different plane of being, nor do I wish to spread my beliefs. I in fact would hope to be the sole person who engaged in the pantless freedom.
It's not that I find skirts more enjoyable, or tights or pantaloons. It's just that I wish I could roam free. Admittedly, I used to be the number one supporter of pants in the world, and fought for my right to wear them valiantly against my mother. She attempted with minimal success to get me into dresses and skirts for twelve years. When I was in first grade, and my mother had to return yet another skirt that was oh-so-cute, that I would surely like this time, she asked in frustration, "Well, why can't you wear skirts? Are you morally opposed to them?"
No. Nor have I ever been morally opposed to them. It was just that you can't hang upside-down on the monkey bars when you're wearing a skirt. Otherwise boys would make fun of you and you'd have to push them off a swing set or give them cooties (between the times you were getting married).
I'm just in favor of my being free to run around in my underwear. People have suggested that I am at nudist at heart, and perhaps that's true. The subsequent suggestion has been that I move to a nudist colony. My response is, "Would you move to a nudist colony?" It's not that being partially unclothed would be a lifestyle choice, I'm not for returning to a naked, pseudo-Adam-and-Eve state, it's that pants are inconvenient and mildly uncomfortable, and I'd prefer not to deal with them. People in nudist colonies seem to feel that they are enlightened much in the way the first few people who bought hybrid cars seemed to feel that they were to the environment was Jesus was to humanity, i.e. saving it. I don't think I'm englightened or have entered a different plane of being, nor do I wish to spread my beliefs. I in fact would hope to be the sole person who engaged in the pantless freedom.
posted by Meredith at 9:15 AM
4 Comments:
Word, sister. Fab entry!
Initially, after reading the first paragraph I had no idea where you were going with this entry... pants as in underwear (which would make this whole thing rather gross)... or pants as in jeans and co.?
Nudists around here are pasty-skinned, overweight, and aggressively in-you-face with their unattractiveness. Don't go down that road.
And yeah... my class never really grasped the concept of cooties. It goes in that "American curiosities" category along with jello and baseball.
Meredith, I too long to roam free. You feel more... idunno Confident pantsless. Anyway, you described what my heart cannot tell. I am a nudist at home when noone is at home.
Jason:
Jello is still a mystery to me. I still make it sometimes and marvel at how it can become a solid within three hours from just some powder and boiling water.
And I won't go down the European nudist road. I've seen Eurotrip, after all.
And anonymous...
being a nudist at home is pretty sweet, and I fully support your endeavors.
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