WEDGIES

It has long been clear to me that I am not endowed with susceptibility to the usual societal impetii.  Cues and requirements are entirely lost on me.  I just don't know when to be embarrassed.  I have a sense of decorum, I just can't get it to override my wedgie-pulling urges and make me embarrassed by my acknowledgement that my underwear and I are not in a state of bliss, that my underwear exists at all.

It is clear to me when I see other people picking wedgies how unattractive is makes the wedgie-puller to others, but this knowledge is useless.  My wedgie picking is informationally encapsulated; understanding of how it looks to others does not stop it.  It's okay when I do it because I don't have to look at it.  But I at least try to point my back at a wall to make myself less obtrusive.  And I'm secretly delighted when I catch other people in the act, even if they're not aware of our solidarity.

My need to destroy wedgies is perhaps integral to my hate of thongs.  Why would you intentionally wear underwear that gives you a permanent wedgie? But I digress.  I'm willing to take the momentary uncomfortableness of some random strangers realizing my underwear is not perfectly aligned for time spent in comfort.

Imagine my excitement when I looked up the word "wedgie" and thought I had found kindred spirits who were unabashed in their wedgie-picking.  But alas, it was just a bunch of pictures of girls giving each other wedgies.  I'd forgotten that there were two definitions: when your underwear slides between buttcheeks and when you have poorly-chosen friends who like to pull your underwear out of your pants.  These are the same friends who will push over a port-a-potty while you're in it.  There was a forum and photo gallery devoted to the cruel wedgie-giving. 

Next I found the site ratemywedgies.com.  Why I have not linked to it will be clear in a moment.  I thought it would be akin to ratemymullet.com, a delightful site where one can gaze unabashedly at the horrendous mullets you can't politely stare at in public.  Instead, ratemywedgies.com was just another page for looking at vaginas.  I was distraught, to say the least.

So pick unabashedly my friends.  There are many travesties in this world (including, for the record, all sites involving GIVING a wedgie).  Let unresolved underwear issues because of public standards not be one of them.

technorati tags:wedgies, mullets, manners